I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
