This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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