ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
