Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize