I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
