You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
