I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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