dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
