He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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