think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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