The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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