my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
