Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
