i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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