i need an iv and a liver transplant
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
