i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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