I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
