I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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