I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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