Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
