Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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