dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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