If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
