no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize