You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
