Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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