In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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