seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
