When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize