I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
