btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Randomize
