Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Randomize
