she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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