I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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