we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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