Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I wish there were birth control emojis
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
