FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
