Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
