I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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