I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Let's paint friendship bongs
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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