i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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