Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
