My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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