thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
