I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Randomize
