Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize