Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
