i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
