yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
