well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
