i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
