she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
