dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
