hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
