guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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