Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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