Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Dear god my vagina.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
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