i need an iv and a liver transplant
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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