toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
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