GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
