my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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