I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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