Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize