i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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