My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
