just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
